Garden Scrapbook

I love my garden.

 It is a source of calm, exercise, food, cut flowers and memories.  Many of the plants have been gifts.  They are from birthdays, Mothers Day, anniversaries, even a tree given to commemorate the adoption of our son.  I have planted flowers that are the favorites of the women in my family.  Pansies for my paternal grandmother, yellow roses for my mother-in-law, Iris for my maternal grandmother and lilly-of -the-valley for my mother.  The daisies commemorate the ones I carried on my wedding day.

Sometimes it is the smell of the plants that trigger memories.  One of my strongest triggers for memories of Vietnam was the smell of fresh herbs that would enfold you as you walked past the street-side restaurants.  A single whiff of fresh cilantro . . . and I am so there!  This year there have been a lot of cilantro “volunteers”, new plants that grow from the seeds of last years plants without any help from the gardener.  I was surprised to find thai basil this year in one of the big hardware store garden centers.  These two combined with mint make my favorite garnishes for Pho.  If that doesn’t take me back to Vietnam the memory is lost never to return!  

What is Pho?  Well, that is a post of it’s own, and not for me to tackle.  There are entire blogs dedicated to Pho.  Go do a search, I’m sure you will find more than you have time to read for a month.

If you would like to grow herbs of Vietnam, check out this site. It lists their various names and typical uses. I live in the North East and find that most are easy to grow despite the vast differences in climates. Care must be taken when you grow mint. The good news is that it is perennial and will not need to be planted each year. The bad news is that it is very invasive and will cover your entire yard within a few seasons if not contained. Mine is currently escaping the containment I have provided and has invaded the neighboring chives. (But to be fair, the chives have also volunteered their way into the mint!)

If the wind will not serve, take to the oars.

Latin Proverb

A few posts back I compared waiting to doldrums. (A belt of calms and light baffling winds north of the equator between the northern and southern trade winds in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans that have been known to strand sailing vessels at sea.) For those of you waiting for a vietnam adoption don’t wait for wind, take to the oars!

Check out this organization: Ethica is a nonprofit corporation that seeks to be an impartial voice for ethical adoption practices worldwide, and provides education, assistance, and advocacy to the adoption and foster care communities.

On this page you will find information specific to Vietnam and actions you can take help ensure that ethical adoptions can continue from Vietnam. Even if you are not the letter writing phone calling type, there is a lot of information here ALL IN ONE PLACE as opposed to scattered all over the internet.

If you are just beginning your adoption process, any adoption, I would recommend looking at this site too. There is information for intercountry and domestic adoption, foster care, links to resources and even a bookstore.

The “F” Word

The other day as I was cleaning up the dinner dishes S (6 year old son) says to me, “Mom, I know what the “F” word is” in a tone that denoted he was proud of his new knowledge. Fearing the worst but also curious I replied, “Oh really, what is the “F” word?” and instantly began to concentrate on a calm reaction. S looked a little nervous, and quietly replied, “Fart”. I must not have been able to keep a complete poker face and he followed with “That is the “F” word isn’t it?”. I happily replied (relived that I would not have to have a “talk” with him that day” “Yes, it’s one of them.”

Time in the Garden

I spent some time in the garden yesterday. I had purchased a lot of plants to “decorate” the yard for our upcoming anniversary party and it was a beautiful day. It has been very rainy here, so much so that we haven’t planted the vegetable garden yet. I suppose I should’ve done that, but the flowers always go so quick and give instant gratification.

I also needed the activity to wear myself out enough to sleep that night. The idea that we wouldn’t travel until at least August is weighing heavily on me. What to do about work? I know now not to say anything until there is definite plans to act on. I can’t bear another semester of not working and waiting at the same time. This much is clear. The rest . . .ugh!

The main reason we had gone to Vietnam with the first adoption was because the children were able to come home so young. S arrived home just days beyond being four months old. Age of the child was/is really important to us. I have an adoptive brother who has attachment issues. It was not fun growing up in our household and I did not want deal with those things as an adult any more than I do as a sister. I have not seen or had any contact with my brother in more than ten years. Nor, do I know how to contact him or even if he is alive. My mother is very hurt by all this. She says “I can’t figure out what I ever did to deserve this treatment, all I ever gave was love.” She still doesn’t understand it is not her fault. The damage was already done prior to the adoption. In those days the rhetoric was ” Love them and all will be well”. Now we know there is a lot more to it than that.

I have taken so much time off work already that I am quite anxious to get back in the saddle. But, going to work will mean risking good attachment with my new daughter. I fear that attachment with this child is already at risk because it is unlikely that she will make it home before she is six months old. I hope that I can work something out that will fill both our needs. If I can’t, a lasting relationship with my daughter will be an easy choice. Following through with the choice will be more challenging.

A little bird . . .

I have a little bird from whom I occasionally get a bit of news.  Here is what the bird wrote.

“We were told last week that six families have received referrals (all for boys) and that another four referrals (2 boys and 2 girls) are in process. We were told that none of the referrals were for us (presumably we are third on the list for girls). For the six families that have received referrals, we were told that they just filed their USCIS forms in the past couple of weeks, which means it can be 60 days from there that they get approval. It looks like at best those families will be traveling in july, but that is just our guess.”

Presumably we are second on the list for girls.  But there is no need to get excited yet.  Earlier in the year, from a different bird, I found out that a child meant for us was hospitalized and later classified as unsuitable for international adoption due to the seriousness of the illness.  Part of me wishes that I had been consulted on what was “suitable”, but that is not part of the process.  

In the best of scenarios, the earliest we would travel is now August.  The good part is that we can go ahead and make plans and enjoy summer.  The bad part, if we don’t complete travel prior to the start of classes this Fall I may have to give up teaching for another semester.

A Slow Day

There is little to report today.  We are still waiting for our home study renewal package to come, it should arrive tomorrow.

 I spent most of the day in theatre storage packing props for the move.  This whole process promises to be exhausting.   Right now we are packing and moving all props and costumes to a lounge adjacent to the storage area.  The painters are right on our heels as we empty each room freshening everything up for the campus archivists to move in.  We can’t yet move our things into our temporary space because it is not yet ready.   This would only be half as frustrating if it weren’t for the fact that we will need to move everything again next summer.  Boy do I hope the new building is ready!

I picked S up from school and let him play briefly with his friend, but not for long.  Very chilly and damp today.  S is very excited about summer vacation and he asked about vacation as we walked home.  We looked on-line at Busch Gardens in Virginia since he said he was interested in the beach.  He was not really thrilled with what he saw and seemed much more interested in Colonial Williamsburg.  Fine by me, I’m more interested in Colonial Williamsburg too!  Well, one thing let to another (as on-line time frequently does) and next thing I know J is walking in the door and I haven’t even thought about dinner yet.  I had to work fast because S had his scout graduation tonight.  I grabbed some frozen quesadillas, tossed them in the oven.  In the fridge, plain left over white rice (I LOVE MY RICE COOKER!) and reheated it with a can of black beans from the pantry and a few seasonings.  Wow, what a good really fast meal it turned out to be.  It kind of blew my calorie count for the day (over by 300 ) but I did more physical work today than normal and cold damp weather always cranks up my appetite. It will probably even out just fine.  We finished up with enough time for homework and a little play time too.

Off to scout graduation.  Which was nice, not too organized, but under an hour!  Home, snack for S and bed!

Tomorrow, more mundane things, but hopefully I can get out to buy flowers for the yard.  The weather man says it will be a nice day.

Don’t forget to breathe

Mother’s Day.   This day is at the top of my list for days to love and hate.

How can I hate it?  It took almost eight years to arrive home with my first child.  One year of trying the old fashioned way.  One year of trying the old fashioned way plus Clomid.  Two and a half years of IVF during which I had 3 major surgeries and only one complete cycle.  Two years of attempting domestic adoption including a night in hotel with a newborn I believed to be my forever child only to have to return the child to the birth mother the next morning.  And then finally international adoption.  This whole time was peppered with the other stories you have heard about insensitive family members, rude doctors, manipulative birth mothers, insurance companies who won’t cover infertility treatment for women, and the complete inability to make it the whole way through a Mother’s Day church service.  I still have a tough time with the last issue.

I know that there are some folks out there who have written that they do not like Mother’s Day.  And, I do understand why.  But here is what I think.  I should enjoy and celebrate Mother’s Day. To be a mother is one of life’s most treasured experiences and certainly one of God’s greatest gifts to us.  However, like other valuable things I might have I should not flaunt my gifts before others.  So dear reader, if my joy will cause you pain, please do not read any farther.  If my experience may give you hope, please let me share my joy with you.

Why I love it?  I have a son!  He is beautiful and kind and funny.  God found him for me and he (and He) has healed my heart.   The first time I held my son was on 11/15/01.  Here is what I wrote in my journal that day.

11/15/01  1:50AM  Ho Chi Minh City

AT LAST! I’M HERE!

Sandy gave us the referral pictures on the bus from the airport. You are so BEAUTIFUL.  I wish that J could’ve been there, we both would’ve cried together.  It was so exciting, everyone was crying and showing pictures of MY baby, MY son or MY daughter.  I would’ve come all this way just for that moment.  The bad news is that I will only get to see you for two hours tomorrow.  The I have to apply your paperwork.  Tomorrow another group will go to meet their children, too many of us to go together.

I need to sleep.  I have to get u in a little more than 4 hours.  But I will hold you TODAY!

6:11 AM

The hotel is very nice.  I’m sure we can be comfortable here pretty much indefinitely.  There is even a small washer/dryer inside the kitchen.  I’d go into detail, but that is what photos are for.  The traffic and the street noise are everything promised.  Any way, get dressed, get breakfast, get to see you.  That’s the plan.  

Today you were:

61cm long, 38.5 Head Cir., 5Kg

9:40 PM

What a day this has been.  I’m not sure I can remember it all, but here I go.

I went down to breakfast and tried the chicken Pho. Very nice, simple, good.  Paul asked for a few volunteers to take the paperwork to the Justice Dept.  This would be the first experience with HCM traffic.  UNBELIEVABLE!  Made up of mostly motor bikes & mopeds it is like a rive except each molecule has it’s own destination.  The flow of traffic is unstoppable.  Later in the day we went by an accident where 1 of 2 lanes were blocked.  All the traffic simply shifted onto the side walk.

We dropped off the paperwork so it could be reviewed while we went to the orphanage. Apparently he needed a few people to pad the group so no one would really know who dropped off what.  It sounds weird, but it worked.  we got approval very quickly when we went back later.

Back to the hotel to get the rest of the group, and then to see you.

We were ushered into a reception area and asked to sit around a large table.  We were served a sweet warm tea and a bottle of water.  Then the caregivers began to bring out the babies one at a time.  You were second.  How can I explain to you how I felt then.  When you were handed to me you were smiling and my heart melted without resistance.  For a long time I honestly don’t know what else was going on in that room.  It was just you and me, nothing else.  I kind of felt like I might black out, but the thought that they might not let me keep you if I dropped you kept me standing. After I came to my senses I went back to sit at the table with you.  All the parents helped each other take pictures and measure.  I got to feed you, and help you produce some healthy burps.  I checked you all over to make sure you were O.K.  It was clear that you and all the babies were well cared for.  Some of the other parents were reprimanded for not putting the clothes back on their baby after they had checked them out.

Before I knew it our time was up.  1 hr, 10 min. That’s all.  We all gave gifts to the orphanage staff and piled back into the vans to go back to the hotel to get some other parents’ passports.  But the traffic was heavy and some parents did not come back to the van right away and their was an accident on the same street as the Justice Dept.  So when we arrived they had closed for lunch break.  So back in the van, back to the hotel for lunch (sautéed vermicelli and crab) and back tot he Justice Dept.  This time things went very quick.  It took about 30 seconds to file the paperwork.

I’m sorry but I’m starting to feel very tired. (6 hrs. sleep in 36 hrs. I wonder why?)  I’ll pick up here in the morning.

I love you already and I can’t wait to come back for you. 

It was about 6 weeks until I could return for our adoption day.  It was a beautiful, wonderful experience.  My husband and my Mom were both on the trip, all the people I cared about most.  

Our wait this time, although frustrating, is still so much shorter and far less dramatic.  It is so hard to remember to enjoy the blessings I have at this moment, and they are considerable.  I keep wanting to freeze up and live in way that feels like holding your breath.  Deciding to have our anniversary  party was actually difficult.  Practically, we couldn’t move forward until less than two months before the date just in case  . . .   Emotionally, I had to choose to be happy.  I made a decision to celebrate what I have instead of mourning what I do not.  I look forward to the future and what it may bring.  But for now I will just keep trying to find joy in each day and remember to breathe. 

 

One more time!

Four and a half.  Whew!

So, we do have to update our home study BUT, it is not for Vietnam.  We will need to bring a current document with us for the US embassy in order to be allowed a visa for the child.  Not great news, but it could have been worse.  This time our task will be completed after I visit our notary.     We will not have to send the home study on a tour of state and national offices this time.

The process of sending documents to be state certified and authenticated is very trying to me.  I guess because all of your hopes go off in a little package entrusted to others who will do what I would feel much safer done with my own hands.  It doesn’t matter how many times we have been through that process without any troubles, all of our couriers have been excellent and prompt, I still feel a huge amount of uncertainty when that package leaves my hands.

A year ago when we renewed our home study I remember thinking, “Whew! Last time I will have to do that!”  Oh, well.  I can almost do this with my eyes closed now.

Today was also commencement at the university.  I think I have been working there too long now.  I was happy for all our grads, but didn’t tear up even once.  It is starting to feel like a tread mill. 

but who’s counting

four.

I am.

While waiting for our referral I have begun counting other things too.  

Goodreads.com has become a almost constant companion.  I have 430 books on my list, read and to-read.  I have had a lot of time to read this year and have not had that pleasure in a long time.  I have had excellent luck finding things to read that suit my tastes.  The reviews and comments by real people seem to be far more useful than publisher provided information alsone.  I am also hooked on the never ending book quiz and have finally broken into the top 100 ranked players.  I don’t think I will ever make it onto the leader board which is determined by the most correct answers.   

I count my calories on Fitday.com.  So, far I have lost 10 pounds in about a month.  I should also add that my food hobby previous to fitday was binge eating, which caused me to gain 25 pounds.  I was at the diet or shop point. I could not even put on the vast majority of my clothes and the ones I could caused me to be very uncomfortable.  Yesterday my Fine Cooking Magazine came in the mail.  Wish me luck.

So, this blog is supposed to be about a busy working Mom.  How is it that I have all this free time on my hands?  NO BABY!  My employer did not want me to disrupt my teaching by leaving the country for two weeks.  So I have been on unpaid leave from my teaching duties this entire academic year while I wait.  Fortunately, I have been allowed to design a few shows, and had the time to take on some projects that I normally would’ve had to miss.  I did a small project for a large theatre company near where I live and was able to participate in an exhibit of theatre designers.  This has kept me from going completely bonkers.  Next fall, back to my normal schedule, I hope, but I wouldn’t count on it.  

. . . waiting . . .

Three.