Time in the Garden

I spent some time in the garden yesterday. I had purchased a lot of plants to “decorate” the yard for our upcoming anniversary party and it was a beautiful day. It has been very rainy here, so much so that we haven’t planted the vegetable garden yet. I suppose I should’ve done that, but the flowers always go so quick and give instant gratification.

I also needed the activity to wear myself out enough to sleep that night. The idea that we wouldn’t travel until at least August is weighing heavily on me. What to do about work? I know now not to say anything until there is definite plans to act on. I can’t bear another semester of not working and waiting at the same time. This much is clear. The rest . . .ugh!

The main reason we had gone to Vietnam with the first adoption was because the children were able to come home so young. S arrived home just days beyond being four months old. Age of the child was/is really important to us. I have an adoptive brother who has attachment issues. It was not fun growing up in our household and I did not want deal with those things as an adult any more than I do as a sister. I have not seen or had any contact with my brother in more than ten years. Nor, do I know how to contact him or even if he is alive. My mother is very hurt by all this. She says “I can’t figure out what I ever did to deserve this treatment, all I ever gave was love.” She still doesn’t understand it is not her fault. The damage was already done prior to the adoption. In those days the rhetoric was ” Love them and all will be well”. Now we know there is a lot more to it than that.

I have taken so much time off work already that I am quite anxious to get back in the saddle. But, going to work will mean risking good attachment with my new daughter. I fear that attachment with this child is already at risk because it is unlikely that she will make it home before she is six months old. I hope that I can work something out that will fill both our needs. If I can’t, a lasting relationship with my daughter will be an easy choice. Following through with the choice will be more challenging.