A question I have been waiting to hear. Until yesterday I only had a vague idea about what I would say. Then I read this post. The Truth as You Know It
Ok, good, thank-you, I won’t make that mistake. BUT, what DO I say? The next post on my Blog Surfer was this, NO LIE! Thank You
“Because I wanted her to be safe.” That simple phrase is so full of truth, and the love that ALL parents have for our children. We all spend so much energy and worry about their safety each waking moment. This is the truth as I know it. Is this the whole answer? No. But it is the core, the seed from which logic springs in a world that frequently defies logic.
Thank-you to both of these women for sharing with all of us. It is so hard to work through these issues alone. The advice and experiences of others are so valuable to me.
BTW, I received word from our agency that one family has permission to travel. The first one in a year. I pray they are safe as they travel. Today on Tin Que Huong two posts about Vietnam. One about a Dengue fever outbreak. The other about a US human rights group pleading with Vietnam to not interfere with the funeral of a prominent (dissident) religious leader. What mother wouldn’t worry?
[BUT, what DO I say? ]
There are no black-and-white answers.
Without a doubt. I am just pleased that what I read took me in a more positive direction and away from a common mistake. The same question from different children will require a different response depending on the age of the child, their particular story, and their personality, in other words each response will be as different as each child.
I now have a place to begin answering THE question, but I also have to know my son well enough to give him the appropriate version of this question each time he asks. As his his intellect grows, so will the question.
Is it a question that the adoptive parent can answer? Do you know us? Were you there?
Really I think the only one who can truly I mean truly answer that question is the mother who relinquished.
Once again I agree. However, in many cases the mother who relinquished is unknown, or near impossible to find. In our case she is half a world away, and the name we have is potentially false. So, No, I don’t know his mother and I wasn’t there. But, if I just say “I don’t know” that seems like I am just setting him adrift. Two moms but zero answers does not add up. Your comment made me realize that there are really two parts to this question, “Why was I relinquished?” and “Why was I adopted?” I know the second part of this, but not the first.
When a young child asks this question it is hard for them to articulate both issues, and are typically looking for concrete answers. Developmentally this is all they are able to handle. Things like cultural pressure, and sacrifice are concepts beyond their understanding. “Because she wanted you to be safe” is a concept that they can grasp.
An older child, say early teens, will be asking a much deeper question and have the capacity to intellectually understand larger issues. Emotionally, these issues can be insurmountable and possibly never fully resolved. At this point I might say,” I don’t know about your mother, but other mothers who have relinquished have done so for these reasons”. “And her desire for you to be safe was probably among the biggest of those reasons.”
In short, I know I don’t have the answers, but I have to try to help my child cope. Saying nothing is as bad (or maybe worse?) than saying the wrong thing.
kim kim: Quite a few mothers also don’t want to answer that question. It’s a pretty loaded one.
Nessie: Even the adoptees who know why they were relinquished… the child inside of them still asks “Why?” The damage is still done. The separation is still permanently severed. And therein lies the problem.
Understood. Emotionally, these issues can be insurmountable and possibly never fully resolved.