It has been a whole month since my last post. So much has happened, but what is most significant is what has not occurred.
School has resumed and with it a flurry of activity that has been both blessing and burden. Blessing, because I have not had time to wallow in self pity, which has certainly been a temptation. The course of events we became a part of really just blows my mind. Burden, because I have not had time to deal with our loss. It has taken me the whole month to realize that it is just that, a loss. We have planned, dreamed, and assumed that a little girl would become a part of our family. Even if we decide to pursue adoption via another route the child we expected, thought of as a member of our family, will not be the same child that we eventually bring home. I have come to realize that I need time to grieve for my girl from Vietnam.
Unfortunately, our agencies “bridge” offer to another program will expire before I am ready to move on. We only have until October 1st. I have made brave efforts to get over it, only to burst into tears and retract whatever I just said or did in an effort to prove (to myself) that I have moved on. The fact is that I haven’t. I began reading blogs again today for the first time in two weeks. I don’t think I will be doing this again soon. Those who received referrals are chugging along getting ready for their children, a few have made hopeful posts about new efforts on Vietnam’s part to come into alignment with Hague policies and new agreements, most are just quiet. I’m tempted to hope for some sudden miracle that I know is foolish.
I would like to be just quiet for a while. I need to get to a place where the sight of little girls doesn’t make me feel empty, where the donation box for foster/adoption on the Wendy’s counter doesn’t make me feel the need to empty my wallet into it (great charity but, not a healthy impulse), where the process of adoption won’t make me a numb, heartless, bitter person. I’m not that person, I refuse to give in, but I need a little time.
I have decided to pass on programs for Korea, and Taiwan; I don’t have the energy for beat the clock. I need time that I don’t have in those programs. I have not gone beyond that decision. We have an appointment with our agency later this week to hear about domestic adoption. But, I am fearful of a second mom in my child’s life and don’t know who would select our “aging” family over all the cute, energetic, perky, families I see all over the internet. I think my experience with adoption will work against me unless I can hide the fear that experience has created in me. Mostly the thought of starting ALL. OVER. AGAIN. makes me want to go to bed and not get up.
The idea of doing a seventh and probably an eighth home study exhausts me. It is not the physical work and the pile of papers that is so daunting. It is the asking again and again our friends, family doctor and others, who care less, for help, a little piece of paper, a permission slip, for approval to become parents. ”Hey! We are still miserable, can you fill this out for me! No, no it’s nothing YOU said. Ha Ha. This time for sure!” Honestly, how many times can you ask? Do you know anyone who has completed six home studies and only has one child for their efforts? If I had attempted IVF six times how many children would that have produced? O.K. NOW I’m giving into the pity, just stop!
