Another Month

Another month has gone by and where am I?  Un-tethered, adrift.  Mostly un-motivated.  I would say that I’m sort of sleep walking through my days, but that would mean I’d feel better rested, right?

Readjusting to work has been hard and slow.  It has a been a busy and tumultuous time there;  a challenge without the additional stress of our adoption woes.  I am dealing with it all pretty well right now, but I’ve noticed that I get flustered and stressed more easily.  And that I’m likely not to care when I should.  I’m normally pretty invested in my work, but not now.  And I just feel tired.

On top of it all I’m starting to have guilt over my sadness.  I have so much for which to be thankful.  What right do I have to be sad when there is so much real suffering in the world.  And still, I feel like I’m being cheated out of something I deserve.  I feel like I’m a really good parent.  Why is it I have to go without children I really want when there are people who have kids they don’t want, abort children they don’t want, or just ignore or abuse the children they have?  

I don’t have to go without though.  I have just lost the energy for the fight.  It is just so ironic to me that I have to fight so hard for what others come by accidentally. I can’t help but think that we are being cruel to our daughters by giving them baby dolls from the moment they are physically able to hold them.  Sure our daughters dream about being princesses and pop-stars and all sorts of impossible (or at least highly unlikely) things.  But after a time, they grow to see the impossibility of these things on their own.  And then, about the time they have cast off their tiaras, we reinforce the dream of motherhood by explaining to them that they are each capable of a greater miracle.  But we never once tell them that there is the possibility that becoming pregnant may be just as impossible as becoming a princess.  Yes, it would be hard to hear, hard for us to say, but shouldn’t they know?  

When I was working through IVF I had friend who was going through a difficult pregnancy.  Her life was in jeopardy as well as the child’s.  As I listened to another friend describe what was happening I suddenly realized that even if I became pregnant via IVF I was still not “home free”.  There was still the possibility that I or the child, or both might have complications or even die.  The reality hit me hard and suddenly.  I had to leave the room to compose myself.  How I wish that some one had told me or even just gave me something to read so that I could ease into that idea. Or just always have known in the same way that we are taught to tell our children about adoption from the time they are very young, so they just always knew.