Tag, I’m it! The Book Meme: Page 56, Nearest Book

Thanks to Sandwiched I have a post for today.
The rules for this meme thing are :

• Grab the nearest book.
• Open it to page 56.
• Find the fifth sentence.
• Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
• Don’t dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.

My book is “Eyewitness Travel: Vietnam & Angkor Wat”

Was this the closest, no.  The closest three books belonged to my son and did not have a page 56.  I’m not sure if non-fiction counts, but there is nothing that says that it shouldn’t be.  So here we go.

“Today, Dong Khoi’s vibrance is unparalleled in the city, and it does justice to the city’s old nickname “Paris of the Orient.”

Dong Khoi is a street in Ho Chi Minh City, District One, close to the US and French Embassies. I agree with the description and hope I get to see this place again someday.

This book is put out by DK (Dorling Kindersley) who do beautiful travel guides.  My favorite feature is the bird’s eye view maps of areas suitable for walking.  My first DK travel book was for London, now I’m hooked.  They are the ones I always look for.  The Lonely Planet Guides are also excellent. Like having an knowledgeable resident in your pocket who understands that you are a westerner.  

I’m now supposed to ask 3 bloggers that I know of to do the same:

• airingdirtylaundry
  
• A Table for 4
• Artfulparent

Jump in if you want to, and leave a link with your comment. Enjoy!

Candy Clay Wrap Up

O.K so this is only about 2 months late.  But, I did want to do a brief report about my fabulous candy clay idea for my son’s candy theme birthday party.  It was not all I dreamed, but who could dream this?

I switched to colored melting disks made by Wilton.  (dumb.)  I thought it would be cool to have a lot of colors for the kids to play with especially since I was unsure about the ability of the food color markers to work on the surface of the oily candy.  So, in order to get a lot of colors, we had a LOT of candy clay.  I’m talkin’ pounds folks!

The only new and useful thing I have to tell you is this: when the instructions say to melt gently, them mean “uber” gently.  This stuff separated so badly that I was certain I would need to pitch it.  I spent a lot of time kneading the candy with my silpat mat to get it to come back together again, and was able to save most of it.

So the big Saturday arrives and I am well stocked with candy clay.  The day looks iffy weather-wise.  It has rained for days and there is only a chance that it will clear up.  I have mixed feelings about this.  On one hand, this means the clay project will take place in the dining room where I have nearly white carpeting.  On the other hand, I hate the carpet and have been neglecting it for years in the hopes that it will get so bad we will have no choice but to replace it.  This could be my big chance.

Party time, the rain stops.  The kids, who all have been cooped up for days due to rain and the start of school, go outside and play without giving the candy clay a second glance. (Who can blame them.)  The are all polite kids so they did give it a brief go.  I think only one kid actually completed some sort of sculpture, that he forgot to take home with him.  I was a little disappointed, but the rest of the party went really well, so who can complain.

The party gods were certainly on my side though.  That evening S started to complain of a sore throat.  Early Monday he was diagnosed with strep throat.  So my little project that would’ve meant lots of germ-my hands playing in moist candy to be eaten later would’ve been the perfect way to infect a group of children, except the great outdoors were a greater temptation. Huzzah!  No one who was at the party got sick.  How great is that!  (But I’m still stuck with this awful carpet.)

Another Month

Another month has gone by and where am I?  Un-tethered, adrift.  Mostly un-motivated.  I would say that I’m sort of sleep walking through my days, but that would mean I’d feel better rested, right?

Readjusting to work has been hard and slow.  It has a been a busy and tumultuous time there;  a challenge without the additional stress of our adoption woes.  I am dealing with it all pretty well right now, but I’ve noticed that I get flustered and stressed more easily.  And that I’m likely not to care when I should.  I’m normally pretty invested in my work, but not now.  And I just feel tired.

On top of it all I’m starting to have guilt over my sadness.  I have so much for which to be thankful.  What right do I have to be sad when there is so much real suffering in the world.  And still, I feel like I’m being cheated out of something I deserve.  I feel like I’m a really good parent.  Why is it I have to go without children I really want when there are people who have kids they don’t want, abort children they don’t want, or just ignore or abuse the children they have?  

I don’t have to go without though.  I have just lost the energy for the fight.  It is just so ironic to me that I have to fight so hard for what others come by accidentally. I can’t help but think that we are being cruel to our daughters by giving them baby dolls from the moment they are physically able to hold them.  Sure our daughters dream about being princesses and pop-stars and all sorts of impossible (or at least highly unlikely) things.  But after a time, they grow to see the impossibility of these things on their own.  And then, about the time they have cast off their tiaras, we reinforce the dream of motherhood by explaining to them that they are each capable of a greater miracle.  But we never once tell them that there is the possibility that becoming pregnant may be just as impossible as becoming a princess.  Yes, it would be hard to hear, hard for us to say, but shouldn’t they know?  

When I was working through IVF I had friend who was going through a difficult pregnancy.  Her life was in jeopardy as well as the child’s.  As I listened to another friend describe what was happening I suddenly realized that even if I became pregnant via IVF I was still not “home free”.  There was still the possibility that I or the child, or both might have complications or even die.  The reality hit me hard and suddenly.  I had to leave the room to compose myself.  How I wish that some one had told me or even just gave me something to read so that I could ease into that idea. Or just always have known in the same way that we are taught to tell our children about adoption from the time they are very young, so they just always knew.

Status Report

It has been a whole month since my last post.  So much has happened, but what is most significant is what has not occurred.

School has resumed and with it a flurry of activity that has been both blessing and burden.  Blessing, because I have not had time to wallow in self pity, which has certainly been a temptation.  The course of events we became a part of really just blows my mind.  Burden, because I have not had time to deal with our loss.  It has taken me the whole month to realize that it is just that, a loss.  We have planned, dreamed, and assumed that a little girl would become a part of our family. Even if we decide to pursue adoption via another route the child we expected, thought of as a member of our family, will not be the same child that we eventually bring home.  I have come to realize that I need time to grieve for my girl from Vietnam.

 Unfortunately, our agencies “bridge” offer to another program will expire before I am ready to move on.  We only have until October 1st.  I have made brave efforts to get over it, only to burst into tears and retract whatever I just said or did in an effort to prove (to myself) that I have moved on.  The fact is that I haven’t.  I began reading blogs again today for the first time in two weeks.  I don’t think I will be doing this again soon.  Those who received referrals are chugging along getting ready for their children, a few have made hopeful posts about new efforts on Vietnam’s part to come into alignment with Hague policies and new agreements, most are just quiet.  I’m tempted to hope for some sudden miracle that I know is foolish.

I would like to be just quiet for a while.  I need to get to a place where the sight of little girls doesn’t make me feel empty, where the donation box for foster/adoption on the Wendy’s counter doesn’t make me feel the need to empty my wallet into it (great charity but, not a healthy impulse), where the process of adoption won’t make me a numb, heartless, bitter person.  I’m not that person, I refuse to give in, but I need a little time. 

I have decided to pass on programs for Korea, and Taiwan; I don’t have the energy for beat the clock.  I need time that I don’t have in those programs.  I have not gone beyond that decision.  We have an appointment with our agency later this week to hear about domestic adoption.  But, I am fearful of a second mom in my child’s life and don’t know who would select our “aging” family over all the cute, energetic, perky, families I see all over the internet.  I think my experience with adoption will work against me unless I can hide the fear that experience has created in me.  Mostly the thought of starting ALL. OVER. AGAIN. makes me want to go to bed and not get up.  

The idea of doing a seventh and probably an eighth home study exhausts me.  It is not the physical work and the pile of papers that is so daunting. It is the asking again and again our friends, family doctor and others, who care less, for help, a little piece of paper, a permission slip, for approval to become parents.  ”Hey! We are still miserable, can you fill this out for me!  No, no it’s nothing YOU said.  Ha Ha.  This time for sure!”  Honestly, how many times can you ask?  Do you know anyone who has completed six home studies and only has one child for their efforts?  If I had attempted IVF six times how many children would that have produced?  O.K. NOW  I’m giving into the pity, just stop!

Update on Tu Du, Ho Chi Minh

JSICIS posted this announcement on their site today.  If you have a referral, and the child originated from Tu Du Hospital, this is a must read for you.

On a personal note, my son was born in this hospital in 2001.  I do not know how I can ever share this information with him.  I also know I cannot keep it from him.

JCICS Asks for Help!

Joint Council (on international children’s services) is asking all families currently in the adoption process with Vietnam to complete the Vietnam survey by Friday, August 22, 2008.   Please pass this on to others you know who are waiting families.

You can see the entire announcement by clicking on “Joint Council” above.