Suddenly . . .

After months of low key nagging we suddenly have a date for our family vacation.  We leave in 6 days.  All of sudden summer is over in a rush of preparation and travel.  Between now and Monday, the following must occur. 

• Grocery shopping.
• My yearly gynnie appointment that due to my complications takes 1/2 a day. Following this I will need to  . . .
• Pick up prescriptions.
• Laundry.
• A trip to the Boy Scout Council Store for updated uniform bits.
• Buy stamps, sunscreen and a half dozen other random items.
• 2 days of cub scout camp.
• 1 day of office wrangling to be ready to hit the ground running when we return.
• At least one visit to my grandmother who is in rehab care. (Two would be better.)
• Make hotel reservations.
• Pack for S and J’s scout camp trip.
• Pack for the whole family’s vacation
• Get the car to the garage for an oil change and to find out what the hissing sound is when the vent fan is turned off.
• Help J mow lawn.
• Arrange for someone to feed the cats.
• Water the house plants and the garden.
• See if my Mom can watch S during Aug. while I prep the Fall courses.

The schedule is kind of nuts.  J plans to leave at 7AM Monday after coming home from Scout Camp on Sunday afternoon.  We will drive 4 1/2 hours to a water park in VA, GO TO the water park that day and spend the night in the area.  Yikes!  I can see the meltdown already, and not just S, all of us.  When we get home from this hastily planned vacation we will leave again in four days for a three day camping trip with friends. A week and a half is all I have to spiff up my courses and design scenery for the first show. After that I start having scheduled activities on campus for the start of the Fall semester, another half week and 2nd grade starts for S.  Oh man, I’m tried just thinking about it all.

I have been so inactive for about a year and a half because I have walked away from almost all the work offered to me in the hopes that I would be caring for a baby girl.  That did not happen.  At first, it was torture, being idle was really hard for me.  It was about nine months before I started to adjust to my new (lack of) schedule.  Now, I’m so laid back I would describe myself as lazy.  It looks like that all ends tonight.  

I am fortunate though.  All the people who have offered me work in the past are still offering. This kind of lull in employment should’ve been career damaging.  But it wasn’t.  Two schools have basically given me the pick of their seasons and a more classes to teach than I can actually physically handle.  It will be easy to dive into all this work and never look back, or at least pretend I’m not looking.  I really do enjoy teaching; it is the only thing I’ve found that rivals parenting in the potential for satisfaction.   The next 40 days will fly by and then I will be up to my eyes in courses and shows and plans for two student trips and preparation for our new building and harvesting the garden and getting S off on the right foot in 2nd grade and J’s stepsister’s wedding and and and . . . . . I may drown.

I have not done the research on Taiwan; I don’t know if I am still actually holding onto hope for Vietnam or if I just want to have some time where I don’t feel like I’m teetering on the edge of bliss and disaster all the time.  There are days when I think it would be OK to have just S.  (Like yesterday when he entertained me by improvising an entire cable system of TV shows centered around slugs to my too loud protests of “GROSS” and “STOP” and my pantomime of a remote control.)  But, when I think about doing something, anything with the baby’s room, I am paralyzed.  The door is shut, I don’t go in there, I don’t look in there.  When I have to deal directly with the possibility of there not being a baby girl E ( yes, I have had a name picked out for about 5 years) I can’t do it.

So, all of a sudden we are down to 40 days.  I read on the DOS web site that they expect to have referrals for about half of the 1,700 pending dossiers prior to the Sept. 1st deadline. It all seems like such blatant fiction.  If they can do that why don’t we have a referral already?  Our dossier has been circulating orphanages since late January, nearly 6 months. How is it they expect to complete 850 referrals in little more than a month when some have been in the system for such a long time already?  

Maybe it will all happen very suddenly.

“Why was I adopted?”

A question I have been waiting to hear.  Until yesterday I only had a vague idea about what I would say.  Then I read this post. The Truth as You Know It

Ok, good, thank-you, I won’t make that mistake. BUT, what DO I say? The next post on my Blog Surfer was this, NO LIE!    Thank You

“Because I wanted her to be safe.”  That simple phrase is so full of truth, and the love that ALL parents have for our children.  We all spend so much energy and worry about their safety each waking moment.  This is the truth as I know it.  Is this the whole answer?  No.  But it is the core, the seed from which logic springs in a world that frequently defies logic.

Thank-you to both of these women for sharing with all of us.  It is so hard to work through these issues alone.  The advice and experiences of others are so valuable to me.  

 

BTW, I received word from our agency that one family has permission to travel.  The first one in a year.  I pray they are safe as they travel.  Today on Tin Que Huong two posts about Vietnam.  One about a Dengue fever outbreak.  The other about a US human rights group pleading with Vietnam to not interfere with the funeral of a prominent (dissident) religious leader.  What mother wouldn’t worry?

On Wanting.

OK, I give up.  I give up on hoping that the MOU will be extended or that there will be grandfathering of dossiers.  I am comfortable with that. 

Time to move on.  

Sunday we went to the zoo and had a really nice time.  It was one of those days when we had nothing planned and it was too wet to work in the yard.  So after checking the radar to make sure there was a few hours where is was actually not going to rain we set off.  We go to the zoo pretty often, probably 6 times a year.  Our membership is a good investment and always provides really nice, cheap, impromptu outings.   We throw a lunch together and hop in the car and go.

It was not overly busy for a Sunday, nor too hot.  The threat of rain kept the crowds at home.  We fell into our zoo routine pretty readily, and now part of the entertainment is picking out the differences from our last trip.  Three new beaver babies, a fresh paint job in the primate house, a new walk way to the african dogs over-look, that sort of thing.  We were disappointed that the elephant moms had not delivered yet, a bit over due.

We had lunch in the food court area, our usual spot.  We lingered a bit after lunch and my mind was wandering.  I have been dieting and I was feeling pretty good about our nice heathy packed lunch, and how I’d been able to keep under 1500 calories a day for more than a week.  But, also frustrated because despite that I’d gained a pound over the same week.  Just as I was thinking, “Wow, I’m not even hungry.” a really tempting ice cream cone entered my line of vision.  Creamy chocolate soft serve in one of those hand make waffle cones.  Ugh!  Now I’m hungry.  I turned my head to avoid the ice cream only for my eyes to land spot-on a mother and her newborn.  Double Ugh!  I closed my eyes.     . . . . day ruined?  No, just made me think. It will be like this my whole life.  If I keep up my diet at least I will be rewarded with good health and the energy to care for my family.  If I keep myself from children I will have a hole in my heart my entire life.

When we got home I spent some time surfin’ the net.

•  Korea, no.  We are too old for an infant.  (Too old?  I don’t feel too old.  That stung!) 
•  Hong Kong, special needs only, and the fact that we are not ethnically Chinese won’t win us any favors.  
• China, long list of requirements, but possible.  I hate that I would provide a justification for a mother or family to give up a child just because it is a girl.
• Taiwan, possible, but we would have to act fast as we are getting close to being too old but waits are much shorter than China.  Boys and girls . . . And, hey, there is an agency in our area, sort of.  About an hour away.

  This has possibilities.

 

Unmasked!

I never set out to write an adoption blog.  It was just supposed to be a place to write down my thoughts and rant a bit when work was getting to me.  Stats show that readers that check in here are looking for adoption news, or for an Easy Salmon Glaze.  Adoptions are far more dramatic reading, so guess which get the most hits?  

What I’ve learned about myself so far is that adoption is on my mind far more than I would like to admit.  I’ve made a habit of pretending that I’m all cool, calm and patient.  I’ve even fooled myself at times.  My ASP thinks I’m some sort of saint.  I told her that I’m really just putting on a face for the public, she then informed me that I’m not giving myself enough credit.  Maybe it’s true, the secretary told me everyone who calls about international adoptions right now is either crying or screaming.

I just wrapped up the last bit of home study #6 this morning.  So, all there is to do now is wait.  There will be little to blog about adoption wise the next two months unless there is news about the MOU extension or we actually get a referral.  My doubts are huge.  The gossip I got from the agency secretary leads me to believe that renewing our home study was a waste of money and time.  I can’t even vent about it here because it would identify my agency beyond any doubt and would probably lead to legal issues.  

What to do next?  Maybe nothing.  This process has a taken a toll on both J and I.  It’s not the waiting alone.  There have been so many times when it looked like we were Ok, and then there would be new regulations, or nothing would happen when we were told it would.  My hopes have been rudely dashed more times than I can count.  Somehow I just put on the happy mask and move on.  My mask is wearing out though.

China?  I don’t think so.  The reasons we picked Vietnam over China are still the same and still keep me away.  And, now with China’s new regulations we are not even eligible anyway.  (Update, turns out we would be eligible, the BMI index cut off is 40 and over.  I am overweight, but not that much.)   If we were to go to another Asian country we would need to switch agencies and start again.  I know there will never be an ideal situation, I need to figure out what compromises I’m willing to make.  Maybe I need to take a break?  I have a pineapple in the fridge that would make a great desert if grilled.

 Hmmm . . . Stay tuned to find out the fate of Penelope Pineapple.  Will it be the grill, the blender, or something more sinister?!

(Dramatic enough for you?)

And Counting Down . . .

76 days and counting down.  That is the time left until the MOU expires and I will be infertile again.

Our first child did not come easily.  After years of infertility, IVF and failed domestic adoptions, adoption from Vietnam was such a joy.  So easy compared to all we had been through.  I was overjoyed that I had found the way to build our family.  I could have all the children I wanted.  Now, I feel like I am facing infertility all over again.  I once feared the biological clock, now I fear the calendar.  September 1st looms before me like a death sentence for my yet to be child.  A child we have waited for, planned for . . .

An extra coat hook and basket in the entry, a fourth towel for the family of three, boxes of unisex baby clothing packed away from my first, for my second.  A crib in the attic.  A spare room that was not meant to be spare.

I know I have to start moving on, but how?  I don’t feel like I have any fight left in me, logic tells me to grieve, begin letting go.  But there are still 76 days left.  Enough time for a miracle.