The news recently has been too much to digest. The beginning was the warning about adoptions from Vietnam and announcement summarizing “Irregularities” from the US Embassy in Hanoi in late April. These sent me reeling. Not only did it put into question our current efforts to adopt but also cast doubt upon the adoption we completed more than 6 years ago.
Shortly after that announcement I discovered WordPress and the community of those concerned about adoption. I read blogs from other adoptive parents, I read blogs of other waiting families, I read blogs of birth/first/other mothers, I read blogs from parents in Vietnam in the process of bringing their children home, I read the pages of organizations like Adoption Buzz and Ethica, and I read the blogs of adult adoptees, (most notable, that of Julia, whose blog I discovered the day of her death.) I have learned so much, but I’m still trying to digest it all. I feel a bit like my brain has burst like an over-filled balloon. And there is more to learn and absorb!
So, bear with me as I try to work through all this information. First the things I am sure of:
1. The adoption of S was never an act of charity. It was an act of selfishness. I wanted to patch a hole in my life, so that I could find joy each day instead of emptiness. I am so irritated, angry with people who tell me “He is so lucky you found him.” It is not true, S is a wonderful person who would’ve found happiness with another family in the US, or France or preferably even Vietnam. When I respond that “I am the lucky one.” it sounds petty and wrong, and they don’t get it and I need to find a better way to express this. ”I am lucky to be with him.” is a start.
2. Adoption number 2 has a different purpose. S needs family. Family that understands S’s history, shares his story. Someone to be connected to after I and J are gone. Sure, it’s for me too, but there is more to it this time.
Things I need to work out:
1. Do we continue with our current adoption plans? I think so. I was very anxious about the slowness of the process this time, but now I feel the need to be patient. Now, the time that this is taking means that our adoption service provider and the USCIS is proceeding in a moral fashion and taking the time to follow the procedures that will ensure our child was actually an orphan.
2. How do I do a better job of parenting S? How do I balance my needs as a parent (source of income and other support) with his needs? In particular, his need to have access/exposure (I still need the right word for this.) to an Asian community? I have made some attempts at this but they seem feeble, and so they probably are feeble. I have tried to make some things available in terms of proximity; having them in the house; books, art, the movies I watch, the kinds of food I serve and the way I serve it. I have arranged trips to watch Lion Dances at a martial arts school where they have teams. This felt a bit forced, I enjoyed it hugely, but I’m not sure S cared or understood. Does it matter if he understands when he is 6, (meaning it would soak in for later life)? Do I keep it up until he says “enough mom, I don’t care”? Or do I wait for him to request the information and then help him? Maybe the strategy is to use the first tactic when he is young and the second when he is older? While there are many Asian children in our school system, it would not be a wild guess to say most of them are adoptees, helpful, but not the same as a community of Asian families. If we were to move, how would he be accepted in a Asian community when he has Caucasian parents? Understanding what is needed is much simpler than supplying it, but I still don’t even know what to supply.
3. I’m not really sure where I stand on the “Second Choice” or “Plan B” discussions I have been reading. While I understand the significance of this to the child, and that it has HUGE significance for them, I feel no need to to make apologies for our path to adoption. How a person ends up in a position in life is complex and largely due to chance and not according to any plan. How do you explain or justify how you met your life’s partner, or your relationship with anyone for that matter?! (Standard cliché: “Life is what happens to you while you are making plans.”) The idea that adoption is somehow “the great consolation prize of life” infuriates me. I hope that society makes some progress on this idea while I am still alive, but in the mean time . . . . How do I talk about this with my son? It doesn’t matter how I feel.
4. Am I at ease about our previous adoption? Almost? After re-reading the announcement regarding the “irregularities” it seemed things got worse when the program re-opened instead of better. I knew that corruption was a possibility during our first adoption, but I never dreamed one human could treat another in the ways described in the announcement. I was naive, I trusted the people I was working with, I had faith in the system. This will haunt me, always.
5. If we do not receive a referral before the MOU expires, what do we do next? How do I go about choosing to end this quest or prolonging it?
Oh, there is still more, but I have enough set out before me for this meal. I will be lucky to digest what is already on the table.
