Status Report

It has been a whole month since my last post.  So much has happened, but what is most significant is what has not occurred.

School has resumed and with it a flurry of activity that has been both blessing and burden.  Blessing, because I have not had time to wallow in self pity, which has certainly been a temptation.  The course of events we became a part of really just blows my mind.  Burden, because I have not had time to deal with our loss.  It has taken me the whole month to realize that it is just that, a loss.  We have planned, dreamed, and assumed that a little girl would become a part of our family. Even if we decide to pursue adoption via another route the child we expected, thought of as a member of our family, will not be the same child that we eventually bring home.  I have come to realize that I need time to grieve for my girl from Vietnam.

 Unfortunately, our agencies “bridge” offer to another program will expire before I am ready to move on.  We only have until October 1st.  I have made brave efforts to get over it, only to burst into tears and retract whatever I just said or did in an effort to prove (to myself) that I have moved on.  The fact is that I haven’t.  I began reading blogs again today for the first time in two weeks.  I don’t think I will be doing this again soon.  Those who received referrals are chugging along getting ready for their children, a few have made hopeful posts about new efforts on Vietnam’s part to come into alignment with Hague policies and new agreements, most are just quiet.  I’m tempted to hope for some sudden miracle that I know is foolish.

I would like to be just quiet for a while.  I need to get to a place where the sight of little girls doesn’t make me feel empty, where the donation box for foster/adoption on the Wendy’s counter doesn’t make me feel the need to empty my wallet into it (great charity but, not a healthy impulse), where the process of adoption won’t make me a numb, heartless, bitter person.  I’m not that person, I refuse to give in, but I need a little time. 

I have decided to pass on programs for Korea, and Taiwan; I don’t have the energy for beat the clock.  I need time that I don’t have in those programs.  I have not gone beyond that decision.  We have an appointment with our agency later this week to hear about domestic adoption.  But, I am fearful of a second mom in my child’s life and don’t know who would select our “aging” family over all the cute, energetic, perky, families I see all over the internet.  I think my experience with adoption will work against me unless I can hide the fear that experience has created in me.  Mostly the thought of starting ALL. OVER. AGAIN. makes me want to go to bed and not get up.  

The idea of doing a seventh and probably an eighth home study exhausts me.  It is not the physical work and the pile of papers that is so daunting. It is the asking again and again our friends, family doctor and others, who care less, for help, a little piece of paper, a permission slip, for approval to become parents.  ”Hey! We are still miserable, can you fill this out for me!  No, no it’s nothing YOU said.  Ha Ha.  This time for sure!”  Honestly, how many times can you ask?  Do you know anyone who has completed six home studies and only has one child for their efforts?  If I had attempted IVF six times how many children would that have produced?  O.K. NOW  I’m giving into the pity, just stop!

Update on Tu Du, Ho Chi Minh

JSICIS posted this announcement on their site today.  If you have a referral, and the child originated from Tu Du Hospital, this is a must read for you.

On a personal note, my son was born in this hospital in 2001.  I do not know how I can ever share this information with him.  I also know I cannot keep it from him.

JCICS Asks for Help!

Joint Council (on international children’s services) is asking all families currently in the adoption process with Vietnam to complete the Vietnam survey by Friday, August 22, 2008.   Please pass this on to others you know who are waiting families.

You can see the entire announcement by clicking on “Joint Council” above.

Suddenly . . .

After months of low key nagging on my part we suddenly have a date for our family vacation.  We leave in 6 days.  All of sudden summer is over in a rush of preparation and travel.  Between now and Monday, the following must occur. 

• Grocery shopping.
• My yearly gynnie appointment that due to my complications takes 1/2 a day. Following this I will need to  . . .
• Pick up prescriptions.
• Laundry.
• A trip to the Boy Scout Council Store for updated uniform bits.
• Buy stamps, sunscreen and a half dozen other random items.
• 2 days of cub scout camp.
• 1 day of office wrangling to be ready to hit the ground running when we return.
• At least one visit to my grandmother who is in rehab care. (Two would be better.)
• Make hotel reservations.
• Pack for S and J’s scout camp trip.
• Pack for the whole family’s vacation
• Get the car to the garage for an oil change and to find out what the hissing sound is when the vent fan is turned off.
• Help J mow lawn.
• Arrange for someone to feed the cats.
• Water the house plants and the garden.
• See if my Mom can watch S during Aug. while I prep the Fall courses.

The schedule is kind of nuts.  J plans to leave at 7AM Monday after coming home from Scout Camp on Sunday afternoon.  We will drive 4 1/2 hours to a water park in VA, GO TO the water park that day and spend the night in the area.  Yikes!  I can see the meltdown already, and not just S, all of us.  When we get home from this hastily planned vacation we will leave again in four days for a three day camping trip with friends. A week and a half is all I have to spiff up my courses and design scenery for the first show. After that I start having scheduled activities on campus for the start of the Fall semester, another half week and 2nd grade starts for S.  Oh man, I’m tried just thinking about it all.

I have been so inactive for about a year and a half because I have walked away from almost all the work offered to me in the hopes that I would be caring for a baby girl.  That did not happen.  At first, it was torture, being idle was really hard for me.  It was about nine months before I started to adjust to my new (lack of) schedule.  Now, I’m so laid back I would describe myself as lazy.  It looks like that all ends tonight.  

I am fortunate though.  All the people who have offered me work in the past are still offering. This kind of lull in employment should’ve been career damaging.  But it wasn’t.  Two schools have basically given me the pick of their seasons and a more classes to teach than I can actually physically handle.  It will be easy to dive into all this work and never look back, or at least pretend I’m not looking.  I really do enjoy teaching; it is the only thing I’ve found that rivals parenting in the potential for satisfaction.   The next 40 days will fly by and then I will be up to my eyes in courses and shows and plans for two student trips and preparation for our new building and harvesting the garden and getting S off on the right foot in 2nd grade and J’s stepsister’s wedding and and and . . . . . I may drown.

I have not done the research on Taiwan; I don’t know if I am still actually holding onto hope for Vietnam or if I just want to have some time where I don’t feel like I’m teetering on the edge of bliss and disaster all the time.  There are days when I think it would be OK to have just S.  (Like yesterday when he entertained me by improvising an entire cable system of TV shows centered around slugs to my too loud protests of “GROSS” and “STOP” and my pantomime of a remote control.)  But, when I think about doing something, anything with the baby’s room, I am paralyzed.  The door is shut, I don’t go in there, I don’t look in there.  When I have to deal directly with the possibility of there not being a baby girl E ( yes, I have had a name picked out for about 5 years) I can’t do it.

So, all of a sudden we are down to 40 days.  I read on the DOS web site that they expect to have referrals for about half of the 1,700 pending dossiers prior to the Sept. 1st deadline. It all seems like such blatant fiction.  If they can do that why don’t we have a referral already?  Our dossier has been circulating orphanages since late January, nearly 6 months. How is it they expect to complete 850 referrals in little more than a month when some have been in the system for such a long time already?  

Maybe it will all happen very suddenly.

A Weekend of Distractions

It was kind of an odd weekend for us.  We were busy enough to forget about waiting for awhile, but no big stuff to report.

Friday we set off for a memorial service for my uncle in Niagara Falls.  Our hotel of choice was full and so we settled for another place.  It turned out not to be a very good choice, the room was musty smelling, not very clean and in need of an over haul.  We had a ground floor room with a large patio door, so I opened the door to try to air out the room.  The door was so old I could barley move it and had no screen.  So, I struggled to close it once the mosquitos started coming in.

We found the church the next morning without any trouble.  My family is quite large and S was shocked to find that he had so many (second) cousins and that they were adults.  Cousins are supposed to be kids.  The service was really nice, my uncle’s oldest son brought his entire folk music group from his church in Rochester to play for the service.  They were really good and added a lot to the service.  Afterwards there was a breakfast served at a nearby banquet room.  We didn’t know about the meal until it was announced at the end of the service.  Since we knew we wouldn’t make it up to the family reunion this August, we decided to alter our plans to spend the afternoon as tourists and go to the breakfast.

This was also very well done, lots of decent food, a display table, and an open mike.  Many people made short speeches, told great stories or sang.  A portion of my family is quite musical though none are professional they are reasonably accomplished.  After the meal there was a lot of small talk and catching up.  S amused my cousins by reading aloud from his Captain Underpants book, and serving everyone from a small tin of candy I had in my purse.

One of my confirmed bachelor cousins tried to engage S (remember S is 6 years old.)  in conversation about girls.  My husband reported to me later that the conversation went something like this:

CB: So, S you got any girlfriends?

S: No

CB: Why not, you gotta get your self a girl, and it’s real important that she is pretty, really pretty.

S: No, I’d rather just eat a lot of food.  (Sounding like the character “Chowder” from Cartoon Network)

CB: Well you know, girls can be a lot of fun to eat too!

S: Gave him an odd look and walked away.

My husband said he was so flabbergasted he just had no clue how to respond.  I told him that was probably the best thing.  If he had said something or made a big deal about it we would be more likely to have to explain the remark later.  However, we did enjoy actual conversation with many of my other cousins who have more developed senses of what to talk about with whom.

The breakfast did wrap up early enough for us to get to Niagara Falls for some fun.  S was quite excited because we planned to visit the Canadian side which meant he was going to another country.  J and I were a bit nervous as this would be the first time we would take S out of the country and use his new passport.  As silly as it sounds we both had a lurking fear that we would be pulled for background checks because of the obvious lack of family resemblance.  Our fears were unfounded and we crossed without any fuss at all.

S was somewhat impressed with the falls.  More so when we pointed out the size of the people on the Maid of the Mist compared to the falls.  My plan was to go on the Maid of the Mist.  I had grown up less than an hour away and never had the chance to do it myself.  I was hoping for a memorable family experience.  S would have nothing to do with it though.  As we drove into town he spotted a store called Candy Planet and it was at the top of his list.  

We spent the rest of the afternoon exploring Clifton Hill.  There is a lot to do on that short street most of it really fun.  S spotted a place called Brick City.  We paid a surprising $23 for the three of us to get in even with our $1 off ea. coupon.  This was the only thing we did that was not worth it.  Avoid this place unless you have a kid who is Lego obsessed.  And, ask if the prices are not posted.  The only rates posted here were a discounted rate to visit a group of several attractions.  

We had an early dinner at the Rainforest Cafe.  We were able to get a table without waiting but because of where we were (a street intended for the collection of tourist $$) we did not have high expectations.  Despite our surroundings we were pretty pleased with the place over all.  It is a family place, lots of distractions for the little ones, sensory overload manifested in restaurant form.  Despite the animated gorillas, elephants and boa constrictors, 5′-6″ tree frog walking around and the “Rain Storms” every 20 min. my husband heard a patron behind him remark that “all the kids running around here ruin the ambience”.  Apparently the pictures to color on her menu were overlooked, otherwise she would’ve known.

The service was good, the food came quickly, and was prepared well.  The prices were not even overly steep considering this is one of the most touristy spots in the world.  What more could person expect?  Oh yeah, quiet children who sit still.

After that we drove home, sometimes through heavy rain.  So we got home late, tired from the hour and the wet drive.  Sunday was quiet.  I caught up on email, visited grandma in the hospital and made chicken tacos for dinner.  Saturday saw us though enough activity for two weekends, thank goodness it was a quiet day.  As I fell asleep on Sunday night I thought as I have thought for the last year of Sunday nights, “Maybe this week.”

On Wanting.

OK, I give up.  I give up on hoping that the MOU will be extended or that there will be grandfathering of dossiers.  I am comfortable with that. 

Time to move on.  

Sunday we went to the zoo and had a really nice time.  It was one of those days when we had nothing planned and it was too wet to work in the yard.  So after checking the radar to make sure there was a few hours where is was actually not going to rain we set off.  We go to the zoo pretty often, probably 6 times a year.  Our membership is a good investment and always provides really nice, cheap, impromptu outings.   We throw a lunch together and hop in the car and go.

It was not overly busy for a Sunday, nor too hot.  The threat of rain kept the crowds at home.  We fell into our zoo routine pretty readily, and now part of the entertainment is picking out the differences from our last trip.  Three new beaver babies, a fresh paint job in the primate house, a new walk way to the african dogs over-look, that sort of thing.  We were disappointed that the elephant moms had not delivered yet, a bit over due.

We had lunch in the food court area, our usual spot.  We lingered a bit after lunch and my mind was wandering.  I have been dieting and I was feeling pretty good about our nice heathy packed lunch, and how I’d been able to keep under 1500 calories a day for more than a week.  But, also frustrated because despite that I’d gained a pound over the same week.  Just as I was thinking, “Wow, I’m not even hungry.” a really tempting ice cream cone entered my line of vision.  Creamy chocolate soft serve in one of those hand make waffle cones.  Ugh!  Now I’m hungry.  I turned my head to avoid the ice cream only for my eyes to land spot-on a mother and her newborn.  Double Ugh!  I closed my eyes.     . . . . day ruined?  No, just made me think. It will be like this my whole life.  If I keep up my diet at least I will be rewarded with good health and the energy to care for my family.  If I keep myself from children I will have a hole in my heart my entire life.

When we got home I spent some time surfin’ the net.

•  Korea, no.  We are too old for an infant.  (Too old?  I don’t feel too old.  That stung!) 
•  Hong Kong, special needs only, and the fact that we are not ethnically Chinese won’t win us any favors.  
• China, long list of requirements, but possible.  I hate that I would provide a justification for a mother or family to give up a child just because it is a girl.
• Taiwan, possible, but we would have to act fast as we are getting close to being too old but waits are much shorter than China.  Boys and girls . . . And, hey, there is an agency in our area, sort of.  About an hour away.

  This has possibilities.